Things that would never be said in Twilight and/or New Moon

lol

Edward:
Dear Diary,
why is everybody going after my girlfriend? Why? why why why?
I mean, she chose me over them, it's not my fault she's got a nice ass and great legs. Why is Alice bi? Why is Emmett so.... Emmett? Why is Rosalie plotting to kill Bella?
WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME??!!? Maybe i'll take Bella to a secluded Island somewhere and we'll live a happy life of just to two of us. No Emmett, Rosalie or Alice. Ewww... now Rosalie's picturing me nude. HEY! I DON"T LOOK LIKE THAT!
OH that's a nice mental image Emmett just came up with. At least he's good for something.
Bella here i come
love,
Edward

this is probably stupid, but i figured i'd post it anyways...

Edward: Bella, I'm not taking you to prom this year.
Bella: Thank God!!! So, what do you want to do that weekend?
Edward: …Actually, I'm going to prom…with Alice.
Bella: *grins* Great! Now I won’t feel so bad about making out with Jasper last week!

omg that was great nodoubter!!!...haha it was rly funny!

alice:

dear diary,

whooaaa does bella look good rite now. i don't need a plan on getting her 2 turn bi...i'm hott enough 2 do that. but anyway have u seen... sorry, sorry, i kno u like boys diary, but DAMMMNNN. anyway i just spent the last hour with bella, and lemme telllllll u she's SOOOO much better than jasper even tho the only thing we can do is kiss, 4 now. and that's not even real kissing. and i've done waaaaaaay more than that with jasper. no comparison tho!!! bella ROX.

luv ya!

aliceandbella4eva


----------------------------------------

:affraid:

^ lol

Emmett: This is such a moo point.
*all stare at him blankly*
Alice: A…moo point?
Emmett: Yeah. It’s like a cow’s opinion; it doesn’t matter.

i love 'friends', so i had to put that!!!

LMAO omg

bella: wth r u talking about emmett???? cows opinions matter bcuz they're HOTTTT duuhh
emmett: ur half rite...the women cows r tasttyyy
bella: i like all cows...
alice: *coughs*

^ LMAO hehe

*Edward and Bella walk in on Carlisle and Esme doing…stuff*
Edward: My eyes! MY EYES!!!
Bella: Wow. I had no idea you guys were so kinky…Edward, you should watch this; you could really use the pointers. I hate to break it to you, but you really suck at all the physical stuff. No wonder you didn't want to sleep with me at first...

lol

Edward: Hey Bella, are you a parking ticket?
Bella: uh... no...
Edward: cuz you've got fiiiiine written all over you


Edward: Bella, are your pants mirrors? cuz i can see myself in them

^ LMAO!!!

another 'friends' one...

Emmett: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Jasper: You took off your pants and cimbed under the sheets!

emmett: *shakes his head disapprovingly at bella* u have sinned
bella: hey i'm not the one who murdered 57 sheep back there
emmett: well SUM of us hafta EAT u kno
bella: first of all, u don't eat u drink. second, the only reason u murdered them was bcuz they all insulted ur parents and that unborn squirrel rosalie's been trying 2 hide from every1

^ lol, its so much fun to use emmett

i'm using a lot of 'friends' ones...i really need to stop watching that show so much lol

Jasper: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Alice: No, but don't worry Jazz. I'm sure they're still there.

hahaha it is...and omg i love friends!!!...i like everybody loves raymond 2 haha

carlisle: another sex game? didn't u have enough with that other sex game u and emmett used 2 play all the time?
edward: wat?
carlisle: u kno, the one with all the colored dots...
edward: TWISTER?

^ LMAO!!!! hehe, now whenever i play twister i'm gonna think of that lol

Bella: See? Unisex.
Emmett: Maybe you need sex. I just had it yesterday.
Bella: No, Emmett, U-N-I-sex.
Emmett: Well, I wouldn't say no to that!
*Edward growls in the distance*

hahaha omfg ROFL ^^^^


emmett: bella, rose needs 2 punch sumthing
bella: oh..ok..thx 4 telling me...*frowns and starts waking awat*
emmett: yea..ok so r ya coming???
bella: coming..wer??
emmett: to my room...??
bella: um...y?
emmett: didn't i just say rose needs 2 punch sumthing?!?!?!

^ hehe LOL
after reading this thread i love emmett even more, lol (though my heart lies with jasper )

Alice: Hey Jazz. Where's Edward?
Jasper: Edward ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

HAHAHAHAAHA OMGGG

alice: no u did the rite thing..but..
jasper: but???
alice: well the timing was kinda..
jasper: WAT alice?
alice: i mean u coulda let me sleep with me first...

^ omg LMAO

Dear Diary,
I just found an old Britney Spears CD in Edward’s room, and I can’t stop listening to “…Baby One More Time”! I love it!!!
Love, Emmett

Dear Diary,
Emmett won’t stop listening to “…Baby One More Time”, and it’s really scaring me!!!! Do you think he needs therapy?
Love, Rosalie

oh my friggen god i love Friends!
XD

Bella: love is clear as summer showers, love is a wonderous work of art. But your love oh your love, your love...... is like a giant pigeon... crapping on my heart! lalalalalalala
**********************************


Bella: ok, so it was half an hour before the wedding, and i was staring at this gravy boat. this beautiful, limage (sp?) gravy boat. And then it hit me, you know? how much Mike looks like Mr. Patatoe head!
*******************************

Emmett: i'm an actor
Bella: really? would i have seen you in anything?
Emmet: oh, no, it's mostly regional work
Rosalie: unless you happen to catch the Wee Ones production of Panocheo
Edward: Look Jepeto! I'm a real boy!
Emmett: Hey, it was a job!
Edward: once i was a wooden a boy! a little wooden boy! *Dances out of the room*
Emmett: you should all know, he's a dead man. OH Edward! *walks out of room*
******************************

Bella: yeah huh! i'm the last to know everything! i was the last to know... when Edward got bit by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last to know... that Alice had a crush on Emmett when he was moving in. I was the las--
Emmett: woah, woah woah! hey Al, you had a... you had a crush on-ah, on me?
Bella: oh, looks like i wasn't last to know...
Alice: it wasn't a crush... it was a... a dent
Emmet: big dent?
Alice: You were moving your furniture in and i thought you had nice arms! *goes and sits on the couch*
Emmet: hey Al, i'm moving the chair *picks up chair*
Alice:

^ OMG LMAO!!!! hilarious!!!!!
i absolutely LOVE 'friends'!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: Hey Edward, if homo sapiens were in fact "homo” sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
Edward: Emmett, homo sapiens are people.
Emmett: Hey! I'm not judging here!

***********

Edward: Hey Bella, I got a question for you.
Bella: Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

Edward: that wasn't my question
Bella: oh?
Edward: not anymore

lol

more Friends ones:

Rosalie: Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!
**************************

Alice: Bella, who's George Stephanopoulos?
Bella: That's Big Bird's friend.
***************************

Edward: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her.
Emmett: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1980's when that phrase was last used.
**********************

Alice: Stop being so testosteroney!
Edward: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.
***************************


Emmett: If I wanna get the money, I'm not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what I mean.
Rosalie: Emmett, we always know what you mean.
******************************


Emmett: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea?
Esme: Mm...hmm.
Emmett: This man is my god!
********************************


Emmett: Hey, hey, check it out! Guess what I got!
Jasper: Rhythm?
******************************

Alice: Alright. Bella?

Bella: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!

Edward: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Jasper, what about you?

Jasper: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.

Rosalie: See, there's always one guy. *mocking* "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."

*Emmett walks in*

Alice: Hey, Emmett, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Emmett: Probably kill myself!

Alice: ..Excuse me?

Emmett: Hey, if Little Emmett's dead, then I got no reason to live!

Edward: Emmett, uh- OMnipotent.

Emmett: You are? Edward, I'm sorry..

(i might have done that one already)

Alice: Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, makaheekee malaheenee who, Humuhumunukunukuapua’a oooooooooooh, hawana waka waka waka neakee pu pu pu…
Jasper: …Okay, WTF?

********

Carlisle: Emmett, there is no secret, okay?
Emmett: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us you were a doctor?

*********

Bella: You really think Rosalie's hot?
Jacob: Are you kidding? If I wasn't in love with you she'd be rejecting me right now.

******

Jasper: I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

Emmett: i'm trapped.... in an ATM Vestubule... with Jill... GOODACRE!!!!
Bella: what?
Emmett: Put Jasper on the phone!
***************

Bella: it turns out the Cat was, the cat was Jacob's cat. Isn't that funny?
Edward: very.. and he keeps touching her
****************

Angela: OH! I just wanna bite his bottom lip! but i wont!
Bella: oh god you guys, what am i doing? this is so un-me!
Jessica: if you want, i'll do it for you
******************

Carlisle: maybe a king will adopt one!
Esme: yes, cause i hear the king is looking to adopt
*******************

Bella: hey, Alice, yeah uh huh, yeah, Alice. uh Alice, yeah... Your scaring me!
******************

Bella: oh look at me, i'm a man, i have a penis, i need to take money from my friends to feel good about myself
******************

Edward: So, i'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, completely naked, and there's a phone.... there. Now, the phone starts to ring, and everybody starts looking at me
Bella: they weren't looking at you before?
Edward: so, it starts to ring, and i don't know what to do! i pick it up, and it's my mother. Which is weird cause, she never calls me.
******************

Edward: this... this was her favorite beer
Emmett: don't start!
Jasper: oh please, don't ruin, all this fun
******************************

Bella: but i've never had that sort of passion, you know? where you had to have somebody, right there, in the middle of a theme park
Jasper: it was the only thing to do that didn't have a line
*****************************

Bella: We named the girl baby Erica
Emmett: Hey! That pregnant lady's name was Erica!
Edward: it's a shame you two didn't spend more time together
*********************************

*Bella and Edward walk in, each with a baby in their arms*
Jasper: ok, Awkward question, the hospital knows you took two, right?
***********************************

Bella: ok Rose, you ready?
Rosalie: no, i'm not ready! it's like saying: "Hey Rose, you ready to jump out of the plane without a parachute?"!

Rosalie: I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

********

Edward: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man, " they'll shout!

*********

Edward: Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian.
[Everyone stares at him.]
Edward: Did I just say that out loud?

*********
*emmett drills a hole throught the wall*
Emmett: Oh, did I get you?
Jasper: No, you didn't get me! You get me, you kill me!

*******

lol!

Emmett: Hey Rose, why are we watchin' the business channel?
Rosalie: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, RLH, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.
Bella: Ok honey, you really need a job.
Jasper: Rosalie, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
Rosalie: Really.
Alice: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.
Edward: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.
Alice: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.
Everyone: Ahh.
Alice: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.
Bella: His indian name?
Alice: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.
Edward: Freakish.
Bella: Wow.
Emmett: Freaky.
Rosalie: Weird, weird.
Bella: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
Alice: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.
Bella: Why?
Alice: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.
**************************

Bella: Hey, how'd the interview go?
Rosalie: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?
Bella: So don't do it.
Rosalie: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.
Emmett: Rosalie, relax, go get a bear.
Rosalie: I don't want a bear.
Emmett: Who said it was for you?
Edward and Jasper: *both enter looking down* Hhhiiii.
Bella: What's the matter with you?
Jasper: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.
Bella: Noo.
Emmett: You're kiddin'.
Edward: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Bella: Oohhh.
Edward: Hi.
Bella: Hi. *Edward and Bella hug*
Jasper: Ohhh *turns to hug somebody* Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
Emmett: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.
Jasper: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.
Rosalie: *seeing Tv* Hey, I went up.
Bella: What?
Rosalie: My stock, RLH, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.
Emmet: Do what?
Rosalie: Put all my money in me.
Bella: Rosalie, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.
Rosalie: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store.
**********************

Emmett: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?

Edward: Do you say this stuff to girls?
********************

Bella: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. *dog ignores the sandwich* Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Emmett, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?
**********************

Rosalie: RLH was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.

Emmett: That is so not my motto.
*************************

i like the sandwhich one... lol

Jacob: bitch... y did u do that to me?
:...
Jacob: FINE DON"T ANSWER ME........... i hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog:
Jacob: im sorry