Things that would never be said in Twilight and/or New Moon

Edward: I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over!
Alice: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

******

Alice: Edward, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

********

Jasper: Ugh, I hate people.
Alice: Yeah, they're the worst.

******

Jasper: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jasper: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jasper: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.

*******

lol

Emmett: Not to many cookies Bells, remember: they're just food, they're not love
***************
Bella: smelly cat, smelly cat
what are they feeding you
smelly cat, smelly cat
it's not your fault!

Rosalie: Men should grow up.
Emmett: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

*************

Edward: I think your argument is specious.
Jasper: I think your tie is ugly.

*************

Emmett: Yeah, you're all about nurturing.
Jasper: Do you need a hug?

*************
[Edward reaches into the fridge and takes out a corsage for his date with Bella]
Edward: This is pretty lame, right?
Alice: I think she likes lame.

*************

Carlisle: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Carlisle Cullen; you can call me "Carlisle." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?

*************

Alice: Oh, this is where I give you advice and pretend you are going listen to it, I love this part.

*************

Jasper: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.

*************

Alice: u know im all about the sexual stuff
Edward: Who are u talkking too?
Alice: ohh... i thought u were jasper
Edward: no u didn't!
Alice:

these are just swell!!!

Emmett: *looking out the window* Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It’s like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.
*****************

Emmett: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.

Edward: Can we please focus here, a naked man’s life hangs in the balance!

Bella: I’m telling you he’s dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.
********************

Emmett: I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.

Bella: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don’t! I forgot I am totally against that now.

Emmett: What? Me having a job?

Bella: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. how do you sleep at night?

Emmett: Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.

Bella: Really?

Jasper: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it’s the only chance to see New York.

^ lol

*************
Carlisle: How does someone just start drooling? Edward? Were you wearing your short shorts?
*************

Alice: Even I don't like you!
Edward: Words can hurt you know.

*************

Emmett: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?
*************

Edward: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Emmett: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

*************

um... im not as FRIENDS fanatic as u are... so sorry

Eric: BITCH............DON"T TOUCH HER
Mike: SHE"S MINE ASSHOLE
Tyler: U TOUCH HER.... U DIE
Emmett: no listen here... idiots.... she's not urs...................she's MINE
Jasper: sorry... bro............she's mine
Carlisle: children......... she should have the best... thats y shes mine
Edward: WTF???????????? She's MINE.... HELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED HERE???????????????????????
::bella walks in::
::everyone staring at her::
Bella: whats going on u guyz?

^ lol. i ran out of 'friends' ones, so i've been using 'house' ones now lol

Alice: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Jasper: Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Alice: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.
Jasper: *speechless*
Alice: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Did you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
*Edward enters*
Alice: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Edward! What's up?

HA. THAT is funny.

i LOVE HOUSE... but i like making things up

Edward: Alice, can u look up something for me
Alice: sre.....what year?
Edward: oh... no.. i meant in the phonebook
Alice: :affraid:

^ lol!

Teacher: That'll be 15 minutes of detention for you, Mr. Cullen. Count 'em!
Alice: That might be difficult for Emmett, since he probably can't count that high.

**************

Bella: Do you remember in kindergarten, how you'd meet a kid, and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you'd be playing like you were best friends, because you didn't have to be anyone but yourself?
Edward: No, wtf?

***********

Bella: Your name is Edward Cullen, your birth date's March 12th, you're 6’2’’ and a half, you weigh 184 pounds and your social security number is 049380913.
Edward: Wow! Are you psychic?
Bella: No.
Edward: Well, would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?
Bella: I stole your wallet.

**************

lol i love those. the middle on is hilarious. Zac Efron scares me...

Edward: * listening to his iPod*

Bella: whatcha listening to?

Edward: er... nothing

Bella: oh come on, it has to be something

Edward: it's nothing, ok? God! Leave me alone!

Bella: geez.. chill out

Edward: sorry, Jasper's making me horamonal
*************

Bella: Edward i don't think you should come over at night anymore

Edward: what? why?!

Bella: it's nothing its just... i don't like going behind Charlie's back with this

Edward: but Bella, he's your father. aren't teenage girls supposed to hate their fathers

Bella: er... right... about that... you see...

Edward: your not a teenage girl?

Bella: wtf? of course i am! it's just... Charlie isn't exactly my father...

Edward: ? huh?

Bella: er... he's my... mother... and um... brother...

Edward: ok.. wtf!!

Bella: Hey! at least he's not my son!
*******************

Alice: did u know that the Jewish New Year is coming up

Bella: yeah, i wanna know something though... why do they blow those horn thing-ys

Emmett: i dunno... stress realiver?

Edward: no, it's because of the story of Abraham. a voice in his head to--

Bella: wait, a voice in his head told him stuff

Edward: uh yeah...

Bella: and why do we not have a leader liket his?
*************

sorry, those really kinda sucked

no the first one didnt i liked it

edward: emmett whats wrong
Emmett: im pressing the gas but the car wont go
Edward: did you try putting the keys in?
Emmett: yea but it wont fit
Edward: *picks up the keys* you know these are baby keys right?

*********
Emmett: hey alice im horny and rose isnt home
Alice: :affraid:

lol i love the keys one *snickers*

Emmett: Bella! It won't Work!!

Bella :what won't work?

Emmett: My easy bake oven!

Bella: when was the last time you used it?

Emmett: ... 1989...

^ LOL!

*********
Edward: Rosalie’s kinda cute too.
Jasper: Yeah, so is a mountain lion, but you don't pet it.
**********

Jasper: You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.

***********

Edward: Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other?
Bella: [nods]
Edward: Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?

***********

Edward: Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

***********

lol


Bella: you just wish you were this fabulous
************

Edward: *humming*

Bella: Edward? what are you singing?

Edward: er.... nothing...


Bella: alright *leaves for a human minute*

Edward: you've got the best! of both worlds!
*************

Emmett: you gotta push it! push it! to the limit! limit! cuz we're in it to win it! we're in it to win it! oh oh!

Edward: not again *groans*

Bella: what?

Edward: just Emmett's... er... fantasies
********************

Jasper: Ok Emmett. picture this. your in the center of a field with forty other guys, as big and strong as you, all chasing after on tiny piece of leather.

Emmett: so where are the cheerleaders?
**********************

Emmett: sooo... Bella... what brand of tampns do you use?

Bella: What?!?!

Emmett: i prefer Kotex myself

^ AHHH! the last one is soooo funny!!!

Rosalie: I want fabulous, that is my simple request, all things Fabulous, bigger and better and best...
Alice: Seriously, you need to stop watching High School Musical 2.

*********

Edward: Bella, you are the music in me.
Bella: ...Isn't that from some kid's movie?
Edward: ...Emmett forced me to watch it, I swear!

**********

Emmett: And so then I was like "Oh my god!" and she was all "I know!" and then I was all...
Jasper: You need to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

*******

since most of us have HSM2 on the brain i'll try it (but not saying its good)

Edward: hey, batter batter hey, batter batter, swing
Emmett: I DON"T DANCE
Rosalie: like HELL U DON'T..... don't u remember last night
Emmett: ROSALIE.... we were SINGING......durr
Rosalie:

lol personally the period ones are funny. But i'm having a 'girly' week so yeah...

Bella: Rose sweetie, are you having a blonde moment?
******************

Edward: Lancelot had guenavier! Mrs. Clause has old saint Nick, Romeo had Juliet! and Liz... well, she has her Dick!

Bella: ... Edward you really gotta stop seeing that movie
*****************

Emmett: Drah, Drah, Drame, drameah

Rosalie: Ugh!
*******************

Rosalie: Bella, do you ever have those days where you just feel like crap?

Bella: yes Rose, every month
*************

Carlisle: BELLA! BREATH! BREATH IT'S OK! WHERES THE WOUND!

Bella: uh...

Carlisle: IT'S OK! DON'T PANIC! YOU WON'T BLEED TO DEATH! BREATH, BELLA, BREATH!

Bella: what are you doing...?

Carlisle: i smelled blood. i thought... oh... oh!

Bella:
**********************

Bella:
Dear Diary,
today was so embarassing! I was hanging out with Edward in his room, when it looked like Edward had a headache. He said it was Emmett's thoughts, and we heard Emmett singing some Disney song. Then i had to go to the bathroom, and i found out i had it again. Yeah, in a house full of vamps none the less. So i found my hidden stash of feminine products under the sink and then i went to get midol from the kitchen. Emmett was there and asked me what my favorite brand of tampon was. Ok... wtf? He said his was kotex. He's a guy, and a vamp. it's like impossibly for him to have a period. to top that off, Rosalie was singing HSM2 songs, and then Edward started singing them! He said Emmett made him watch it. I swear, Emmett didn't make him do anything! Then I was hanging in the living room with Edward, Emmett and Rosalie. Edward began singing HSM2 again, Emmett joined in and then it turned into a talk about what Emmett and Rosalie did with their free time last night. EW! I mean seriously! everybody is one like, PCP or something!
Love,
Bella

^ LOL!!!!!!!!! that was hilarious!!! (especially the diary lol )

Bella: *humming 'All For One' from HSM2*
Emmett: OMG? Did you watch the HSM2 Dance Along last Saturday night too?
*everyone stares blankly*
Emmett:...Or was that just me? Because I didn't, I swear to god!

********

Jasper: See, I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.
Alice: Have I just been spending too much time with him, or did everyone else totally understand that?

********

Charlie: Are you sure that he's your choice, Bella?
Bella: Yes. He's a pirate...I mean vampire, dammit!

**********

Jacob: Where's Bella?
Sam: She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Edward, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really... except for, of course, Bella, who is in fact, a woman.

***********

lol

Bella: so Edward, have u ever watched Friends?

Edward: are you kidding me?! I LOVE THAT SHOW!
**************

Bella: you can't stop the motion of the ocean, or the speed of time. you can wunder if u wanna but i'll never ask why. And if you try to shoot me down, i'll just spit in your eye and say-ay-ay. You can't stop the beat!

Edward: Alice took you to Broadway, didn't she

Bella: yup!

Edward: Damn her!
**************

Bella: *groans*

Edward: Bella? you feeling ok?

Bella: it feels like a squirrel is trying to claw it's way through my belly button! Do i sound ok to you!

Edward: geeze! take a Midol! i just asked

Edward: Don't follow in Bella's footsteps; she walks into walls a lot.
***********

Bella: When life gives you lemons, stick them under your shirt so that it will look like you have bigger boobs.

********

Edward: You can tell me I'm insane. I'll tell you the voices in my head disagree.

**********

Bella: It’s 106.7 degrees outside?!?
Alice: That’s the radio station Bella!

*******

lol! ^^

Alice: Cute, but psycho, things even out
***********

Rosalie: buy me stuff and i'll be nicer
*************

Emmett: your chicken turns me on

(inside joke)

i like the radio one.... lol

Jasper: Bella, can we talk?
Bella: um..... no
Jasper: FINE......BITCH
Bella: kidding.... my goodness Jasper, its like ur having PMS
Jasper: EDWARD TOLD YOU??????????????????