Gee's Stories =]

Gee's Stories!

Therapy with the Cullens!

This fanfic is rated PG13+

Ok so If you have read family therapy cullen style, you'll notice that this is practicly an exact coppy hehe. So... here it is! Some of the sentences in Edwards point of view wont make sense because they are other peoples thoughts, but they are able to be figured out :)

Edward’s point of view.

I know what he is thinking. And I refuse. There is not a hope in heck that I am going to therapy. I know your listening Edward. There is no possible way you are getting out of this. “EMMETT!” Rosalie screeched and I, and probably everybody in the district, heard Emmett thump down the stairs and bolt out the door. You see Edward? You may think this family is fine but it’s clearly not. “Jasper PLEASE!” Alice moaned. Life is so unfair. Jasper has a perfectly fine face and body and he wont even let me give him one- “Alice, I am MALE! I refuse to have a make-over!” Jasper yelled. Edward I prove my point. Okay, I understand the family needs therapy, but I certainly don’t.

Carlisle was looking up therapy centres, as he didn’t want to use the one at work. He claims his reputation would be ruined. Instead he found a doctor called Dr. Stewart Pitt. I listened in, understanding that the first appointment would be at 11 a.m tomorrow morning. I called Bella and told her of her obligation. Carlisle insisted that she come. “Edward, she’s going to join the family in a few months. She comes”

Carlisle’s Point of View:

So at 11 o’clock 7 vampires and 1 human were waiting outside Dr. Pitt’s office for their appointment. A frantic man with blonde tussled hair and black glasses suddenly appeared from nowhere. “Oh hello, hello! You must be the Cullen’s. Hi I’m Stew. Well Stewart, but I prefer Stew. Anyway, I have to get some papers so please go to my office” Stew said and hurried off into another room. So we all filed into the office. “Shotty the couch!” Alice shrieked and leapt onto the black leather lounge.

Meanwhile, Emmett was looking at his many qualifications on the wall. I truly hoped that this therapy worked. Our family had so many issues! Suddenly, Emmett burst into laughter. Edward walked over and cracked up too. Alice, Jasper and Bella walked over and howled with laughter too. What is it Edward? Get them to stop. What is so funny? Esme was by my side looking just as confused as I. Then, threw his fits of laughter Edward muttered “Dr. Stew Pitt. Dr. Stupid” Then collapsed onto the floor.

Great. Wonderful. I had to pick the doctor who they wouldn’t take seriously because his name was Dr. Stupid. The door opened. Even better! Dr. Pitt chose now to open the door, when 3 of my children were rolling on the floor! Bella was clutching onto the couch and Emmett was shaking the foundations of the building. Dr. Pitt smiled “Can I get in on the joke? Or is it too smart for me?” This comment made them pound their fists on the floor with glee. I couldn’t bear to look at the poor fellow, grinning like an idiot. Edward! CUT IT OUT! Edward abruptly stopped laughing, and he grabbed Bella and sat her on the chair beside him. The others followed suit.

Edward’s point of view:

That is seriously the funniest thing I have ever heard. Dr. Stupid. And the thing is, Dr. Pitt didn’t even think that’s what we were laughing at! “Okay, now that we are settled, what do you think the main problem is in this family? Positive Communication? Time allowance?” Dr. Pitt asked. Bella. Edward. Edward. Jasper. Positive Communication. Positive Communication. Of course, my siblings picked names. The problem is they pointed at who they thought of.

“Well, that’s not exactly what I meant, but it’s great you’re all being so open!” Dr. Pitt. “Well, there seems to be the most fingers pointed at- Wait I didn’t hand out nametags! Here please write your name.” Well great. We now have to ware pathetic nametags. He has the ones where it says “Hello! My name is ---.” Edward! Edward! Wanna swap names? I sighed; it was so like Emmett to make this Dr. Stupid’s life as hard as possible. I shook my head. You suck; I’ll get Jasper to do it. I rolled my eyes. So now Emmett Cullen was tall, blonde and thin. And Jasper Hale was huge.

Carlisle’s point of view:

“So… Edward. Why do you think that your brothers… Emmett and Jasper… pointed at you.” The doctor asked. “Because they dislike me so intensely.” Edward replied. Oh, no. I know where this is headed. “No, no, Edward! Maybe we should ask one of them first hand. Ah, Emmett? Would you like to say why you pointed at Edward here?” Dr. Pitt smiled. I looked at Emmett but it was Jasper who cleared his throat. “I, Emmett Cullen, pointed at Edward because he is the problem causer!” Jasper announced. They swapped names. How childish! “Boys, this is NOT funny. Swap names back!” I muttered at vampire speed. “No” Emmett muttered back. “Thank you Emmett. Jasper, do you have something more insightful to say?” Dr. Pitt smiled. This guy sure smiles a lot. “I, Jasper Hale, think that Edward doesn’t give us enough privacy!” Emmett shouted, for some reason. “Good start Jasper!” Dr. Pitt said.

Author’s note: Emmett and Jasper have swapped nametags. So Dr. Stupid will call Jasper, Emmett and Emmett, Jasper.

“Don’t say anything you wouldn’t tell a normal human. Don’t tell people you’re in a relationship with your siblings. Except for Edward and Bella.” I muttered. “Okay” I received back. “So Edward doesn’t give everyone enough privacy. Why is this Edward?” “Because they’re thou- um- actions and words- are so loud. Maybe if they kept it down I wouldn’t hear” Edward said. This is good. Still sorting through problems, but the Doctor doesn’t know! Excellent! “Okay, so Jasper, if you were quieter, then Edward wouldn’t hear you! Did you think of that?” Dr. Pitt said. “No” Emmett sulked. Then I heard Edward growl. “Edward is suicidal!” Jasper beamed.

Edward’s point of view:

“Oh. Um. How so, Emmett?” Dr. Pitt stopped smiling. I will kill him. I hope he feels the murderous rage radiating off me. “Well he tried to kill himself last year. He went to Ital- I mean… an assassin and asked to be killed” Jasper kept smiling. Dr. Pitt seemed to be stumped. Wow. I’ve never heard of the assassin method. Do I go wit the usual suicide talk? No. I’ll just make them do all the work. “Edward, why did you go to the assassin?” He asked. “Because my sister told me Bella, my fiancé, had jumped off a cliff.” I replied. Ha, ha. Rose will kill Jasper! Edward Cullen, I officially hate you. I just smiled and this seemed to alarm the Doctor. Why the heck is this kid smiling? Reminiscing the time with joy? “Rosalie or Alice?” Dr. Pitt asked, unsmiling for once. “Rosalie. My sister, Rosalie Hale. Viciously lied to me.” I beamed. He’s still smiling. Crap. He’s a psycho. Maybe I should just tell Carlisle to admit him. Okay. This was too far. I broke down and pretended to cry.

“I’m sorry everyone. I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry I put you through that pain! But Rosalie, the anguish you put me through was unbearable.” I pretended to cry. What the heck are you playing at, Edward? Do you want us to stay here forever? Rosalie thought. “Later” I muttered under my breath. Whatever. Bella moved to comfort me, thinking that I wasn’t acting. Otherwise, there was just a stunned look of surprise through the entire room. Good. He shows emotion. I should just stick to the normal suicide talk now. But wait! This Rosalie… Then Emmett burst into laughter. “Why are you laughing at your brother’s tears, Jasper?” Dr. Pitt said. There is something wrong with the big one. All he does is laugh, can’t seem to string two words together! Maybe he has a problem… must ask Carlisle. I snorted. Dr. Stupid thinks Emmett has a problem. He’s never going to live this one down.

“Ok. Ok. Don’t worry. So Rosalie, why did you lie to Edward and that caused him to go to the assassin?” Dr. Pitt asked. “I thought it was true. I really did” Rosalie replied. Wow. She’s really pretty. I wonder if… I cleared my throat. I didn’t want to hear his lusting. “Ok Rosalie. Does anyone have any other issue’s?”

I hear it in his thoughts. If he says it- “I think I know why Edward is cranky all the time” Emmett said. “Why would that be, do you think Jasper?” Dr. Pitt asked. “I do believe he is sexually frustrated. You see, Rosalie and I have a very happy, healthy sex life-” Emmett began but I was interrupted with a screaming thought from Dr. Pitt. Jesus Christ! The Cullen kids are having sex with each other! This is wrong. This is sick. And This Jasper is talking about his happy sex life with his SISTER! “Carlisle, he doesn’t know that we are all adopted.” I muttered at vampire speed. Oh Lord! He thought. “Dr. Pitt, I think now would be a better time than ever to tell you that all my children are adopted.” Carlisle smiled and Dr. Pitt relaxed. This family is freaking spooky. He thought. “I gathered that” He smiled.

“Now Edward, what do you have to say in response?” Dr. Pitt asked. Good. The hour’s nearly up. Thank freaking God. “Wait Doc. I have more to add. Edward needs to tend to his sexual garden. Water the trees! Clip the hedges! Re-plant the flowers! Rake up the leaves! You garden need’s tending, Edward. And you are leaving it to die” Emmett sang. “Thank you Jasper, that was inspiring,” Dr. Pitt smiled, as if congratulating a 10yr old that was announcing they could count to ten. “Edward?” “Well Dr. Pitt, I think that Em- Jasper- should rake up his own leaves and stop jumping in others peoples piles” I said, snarling at Emmett. Bella was bright red sitting next to me and looking at the floor. Crap. The suicidal one looks pissed. Better stop this one now. “Okay people! Our hour is up!” Dr. Pitt beamed. He looked thrilled that his time with the freaks was ended. “I think we should schedule another session” Carlisle said, and Dr. Stewart Pitt’s face fell right back down.

CHAPTER TWO:

Jasper’s Point of View:

The moods in the house were… fascinating, before our next therapy session. Dr. Pitt had cancelled twice, probably petrified of our other issues. Emmett was excited, Bella was nervous, Alice was mildly looking forward to it, Edward was fuming and Carlisle and Esme were wary. “In the car, everyone!” Carlisle said and we all got to the car, at our various paces. “And Emmett and Jasper? Swap back names!”

When we arrived at Dr. Pitt’s office, he was standing by the door with a happy smile on his face. Edward was gonna beat the crap out of him if he didn’t stop smiling soon. “Dr. Pitt” Carlisle greeted the man and walked into the office. “Stupid” Each of my siblings greeted as they entered. “Hello, hello children!” He smiled. Edward just glowered at him as he walked through the door. “Edward” Dr. Pitt smiled. Edward ignored him. “Emmett!” Dr. Pitt smiled at me. “It’s Jasper, dude.” I muttered. Emmett smiled at me and caught on quickly to my gangster act.

“Okay! Please put your nametags on!” Dr. Pitt smiled. Emmett and I swapped back just to confuse him. A nervousness was radiating off him. Which issues this time? “Now could everyone write down on a piece of paper how they felt after last session?” The doctor beamed and handed out sheets of paper and pens. Ecstatically happy. I wrote. After we were all done, Dr. Stupid put all the feelings in the “feeling hat”.

“Okay. So somebody wrote… murderous. Murderous? Hm. Ok. Somebody wrote…. Ecstatically happy! Oh good! Somebody wrote… lustful? Erm… okay. Somebody wrote… fine. That’s good. Somebody wrote… this is gay. Actually, it’s a good way of expressing your feelings. Somebody wrote… this deprives my shopping time, stupid. Are you calling me stupid, anonymous shopper? Lets see you get a psychology degree! Another person wrote… positive. That’s wonderful! Another person wrote… hopeful. That’s great! Now don’t you all feel better now your true feelings are out?” Dr. Pitt said.

We all just looked at him like he was stupid. Which he is. Hehe. “I have an issue!” Alice sang. If her issue is about makeovers or clothes or any crap like that- “Jasper, my dear lov- erm- brother, refuses to let me make him over! Neither do any of my siblings, matter of fact! I have to get Bella the weakling human to do my bidding!” Now she’s done it.

Edward’s point of view:

Good Job Alice. Facepalm. Weakling human? Is she saying that she is not human? Then what is she? Well they are all incredibly pale and beautiful, except for Bella. She’s pretty ugly compared to the rest of them… WHAT? He calls my beautiful Bella UGLY? That’s it. “My Bella is not ugly, stupid!” I roared, getting madder and madder. Get angry, Edward! Angry! Jasper was thinking, fulling my anger. “Yes she is!” Dr. Pitt shouted, enraged. “What?” Bella screamed. “I’m plain obviously, but not ugly!” She continued to screech. “How can you call her ugly, Stupid? I dressed her today!” Alice shrieked. “She looks horrible!” Dr. Pitt yelled in Alice’s face. “No more nice vampire” Alice muttered under her breath and moved into a crouch. Jasper was laughing his ass off and Carlisle crash tackled Alice.

Suddenly, I felt like crying. How dare he call my Bella ugly? Bella burst into tears and I held her close. “I’m not that ugly am I?” She sobbed into my shirt. “No, beautiful Bella. He only sees you with stupid eyes.” I smoothed her hair. “Look what you’ve done.” I yelled at him, but my voice was cracking like I was crying. “Aww Eddie-Poo! Come here and big brother Emmy will give you a big cuddle to make you feel better!” Emmett said, extending his arms. I just shoved him towards the ground. Alice was still withering against Carlisle’s grip as she tried to get at Dr. Pitt. “Jasper, calm everyone down!” Esme whispered her head in her hands. I felt very calm all of a sudden, and everyone went back to they’re original positions. Dr. Pitt’s face was bright red with embarrassment and he didn’t know what to say.

“Back to my issue” Alice glared. Dr. Pitt smiled apologeticly. “So how do I get my siblings to let me give them make-overs?” Alice shot. “Um… ask nicely. Maybe say “I will play chess with you if you let me give you a makeover” or something along the lines of that…” Dr. Pitt mumbled.

Wow. Awkward.

“I think our time is up!” Dr. Pitt announced, with shifty eyes. It’s been what, 10 minutes. “I couldn’t agree more!” Alice chirped and walked out. Carlisle and Esme looked baffled. “Well see you next week, Dr. Pitt”

BAHAHHAHHAA.

I loved that! Write more, Gee!

Hehe Thanks Diz!

Updated.

Short chapter.

I felt it was eventful enough. xD

that was sooooooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
keep writing, i want to know how this ends

seriously GEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to know what happens next!!!