Things that would never be said in Twilight and/or New Moon

hahahaha! omc im laughing my head off right now! though i must agree that these are quite....interesting.


Jacob: so you've finally come to your senses bells. yes! now i'll be the first kid in la push to get laid since quill was born!
*parties*
bella: yeah whatever, let's hurry up and do this before edward comes back.
Jacob: if you insist =]
*jake starts to make a move right when jasper comes running in*
jasper: oh no you di-idn't! she's mine b****!
Jacob: okay!
*ambles off to find leah and do it with her*
Jacob (mutters to himself): let the pack see that in my mind. myahaha

LMAO! "Oh no you di-idn't!" I can totally see him doing that with the finger and head movements. XD

On topic...

Edward: So, Bella... You know how my skin is always hard?
Bella: Yeah...
Edward: Let's just say my sexual desires are not as dull and boring as I let on...

omc! haha wow that made me laugh so hard!


Jasper: bella i love you! why cant you love me back?
Bella: well, quite frankly you smell bad and who wants to be with someone who smells bad for all eternity
Jasper: *gasp* who told you! huh, alice you didnt!
*runs away crying*
bella: that was interesting....


(not very good but thats okay)

Alice* He's taking that hormone stuff again don't worry
Bella I'm not but I'm scared because Edward hasn't talked to me
Edward/Sheba* Like i can't like believe like that like you almost screwed Jacob
Bella* Why NOT!
Edward/Sheba* to inexperianced and I'm better
Bella* SO!
*bella leaves to find Jake again*
Edward* no!

hahaha =]

*Edward walks into jacob's room right when he's about to do it with leah*
Edward: ooh can i watch!

Lairai wrote:

hahaha =]

*Edward walks into jacob's room right when he's about to do it with leah*
Edward: ooh can i watch!

Leah: Gah! Get out!
Jacob: Sure! Let's have a three-
*Bella burst through the door*
Bella: NO! WAIT FOR ME!!!
Edward: On second thought, maybe latter, jacob. Hey Bella, lets go have sex at your house while Charlie's still there!
Bella: OK!
*they leave*
Jacob: NO WAIT! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!
Leah: Hey, what about me?
Jacob: No don't take Leah, she's a horrible kisser.
Leah: no i'm not!
* they contine to talk to Bella and Edward who are not there*

wow. these entertained me for 2 hours!!!

haha ditto!

*edward and bella are back in charlie's house*
edward: finally! we're by ourselves!
bella: yeah, whatever let's do this.
*charlie walks in right when they start*
charlie: AAHHH! MY EYES!
*runs out of room*
bella: do you think we just destroyed his innocense?
edward: most definetely
bella: mission accomplished =]

Jacob* I want her too!
Leah* Oh no you didn't!
Jacob* It's not me it's you.
Bella* Get your hands off my mistress
Edward* WOW....Wait WHAT!!!!

omC....when did we get to be this...creative?

When we sarted being hilarious!

Jake: "Bella, you know you want a hot dog."

hahahaha! omc thats so cute ^


=]

Bella: Dad, can I be a vampire for Halloween?
Charlie: Sure, Bells.
Bella: See, Edward! You can change me now!

haha love these!


edward: *sigh* bella you know that charlie didn't mean for you to be a vampire forever.
bella: in that case, then I'll go meet up with mike. i havent heard from him in a while and your being a butt head!
*walks to mike's house*
*bella stands outside his window and starts singing:*
Bella: "Hit me baby one more time!" to mike! (since they both agreed that that was their fav song!)

(brittany spears lol)

Edward* Noooo!!! My ears burn!!!!!!!!
Bella*Why!!
Mike* Because bella He hates the song!
Bella well thank the lord I thought he disliked my singing
Edward* Whistles

simon: (from american idol) and today coming at us from Forks, Washington we have.... Bella Swan singing the Canadian national anthem!
*Bella starts singing* (but she has a terrible voice)
*once she's finished*
Bella: and i'd like to thank my vampire boyfriend Edward Anthony Mason Cullen for inspiring me to sing!
*the camera shows a close-up of edward writhing in agony crying: "my ears, my poor, poor ears. who knew you had such a horrid voice bella??"

OMFC! LOL!

Jane: Oh my, Alec, just listen to her voice. It's... horrid.
Alec: *on the floor twitching*

Bella: Mike, I have a confession...
Mike: YOU LOVE ME?!
Bella: No....I'm moving to Italy to hook up with Alec
*Steph, you started me on this with your post *

(lol, Yay! ^^)

Mike: Who the heck is Alec?!
Bella: A vampire who is way more attractive than you and Edward put together!
Edward: That's right! ...Wait, what?!
Mike: Vampire?! O_o
Bella: Uh duh...
Edward: I must reassure myself... *pulls out mirror* ...Who's that sexy thang in the mirror? *gasp* It's ME again!

haha! looove that one ^^

bella: wow edward sometimes you can be so...so.. gay. *gasp* wait a second! is that the reason you dont want to change me? cause your gay??
edward: um.. NO! of course not... *blushes* >_<

everything said here was so funny. LOL. I have some, Well it's from gossip girl...

i just wanted to post something. LOL.

Edward: That kid popped you pretty good, huh? Never mess with a guy's sister.
Emmett: If I knew his name, I would hunt him down and kill him.
Edward: Because you kill people now? You gonna strangle him with your scarf?
Emmett: Don't mock the scarf, Edward. It's my signature.
Edward: I'm just saying, death by scarf? Not that intimidating.

***
Emmett: Rosalie looked effing hot last night. There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be... violated.
Edward: You are deeply disturbed.
Emmett: And yet, you know I'm right. You're telling me if you had the chance --
Edward: I have a girlfriend.
Emmett: You guys have been dating since kindergarden and you haven't sealed the deal.
Edward: Who says "seal the deal"?

here's one more i forgot to put.

*Edward and Emmett talk about sex* (this line is from gossip girl, the other one i made that up.)
Emmett: So smoke up, and seal the deal with Bella because you're also entitled to tap that ass.

*Bella comes in*

Bella: Hi guys, what are you talking about? :)

LMFAO!!!

Edward: *eyes widen* Uh, erm, well... Nothing! It's aboslutely nothing!
Emmett: Is that how you FEEL about it?!
Edward: No!!
Bella: Feel about what?
Emmett: I'm basically telling Edward to take some intiative and get it on with you.
Edward: *sinks into seat*
Bella: *to Edward* LISTEN TO YOUR BROTHER, DAMNIT! LET'S GO! *grabs his hand and runs upstairs*

LOCO!!!!!!!

mmkay from a fanfic i read! Lots of cussing sorry!

Emmet: CRAP I’M MISSING MY SHOW!

The Cullens just stared at him in disbelief and annoyance.

Emmett ran to the couch, grabbed the remote, and turned on the TV. Then Dora the Explorer came on. What the...?

Jasper: Your lucky mom and dad aren’t home. I don’t even know why you watch this show; it just pisses the shit out of you

Emmett started singing along with the theme song, while jumping up and down and dancing a little bit. One word; awkward.

The Cullens heard Emmett screaming profanities in the living room.

Emmett: HURRY UP DORA! YOUR TOO FUCKING SLOW, YOU FATASS! LOSE SOME GOD DAMN WEIGHT ALREADY! AND ARE YOU THAT BLIND?! THE COCO TREE IS FUCKING RIGHT THERE! YOU DON’T NEED THAT SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAP! DORA! SWIPERS BEHIND YOU! HE’S GONNA STEAL YOUR FUCKING COCOBEAN! YEAH BOUT TIME YOU TURNED AROUND! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! YOU CAN’T JUST SAY ‘SWIPER NO SWIPING’! LIKE THAT’S GONNA HELP YOUR SORRY ASS! JUST KICK HIM AND MAKE A RUN FOR IT BOOTS! WHAT THE HELL MAN! YOU CAN JUST THROW ONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BOOTS AT HIM! SEE! NOW HE TOOK YOUR BEAN AND YOU CAN’T MAKE YOUR HOT CHOCOLATE! YOU HAPPY NOW?! YOU SHOULD’VE JUST LISTENED TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING THE DUMBASSES YOU ARE! WHAT THE FUCK DORA!? JUST DITCH YOUR BAG! IT’S FUCKING TALKING! THAT’S NOT NORMAL! YOU SHOULD BE SCREAMING AND RUNNING INSTEAD OF WEARING THE SORRY EXCUSE OF A BACKPACK!



HEHE!!! LOCO! Full credit 4 this goes 2 lildevil76 on fanfiction.net