Your Work

Here is the place to post anything you've written and want reviewed. I'll review everything you post and I have three levels of reviewing. When you post your work, please indicate what level you want to I'm not overly harsh or something :)
Level 1 - I'll read through it and give my general impression.
Level 2 - I'll pick out any spelling/grammatical errors, point out things that don't sound good, and give comments on overal characterzation and plot.
Level 3 - I'll get extremely nit-picky on grammar, spelling, characters, plot, everything. This could get harsh.

If it's really long, you can post it in parts, I don't care or give an outside link.


Edit: I should have mentioned this before but feel free to review others work as well. It's just as important to read others work and figure out what you like and dislike in theirs as it is to just write.

ok this is narrative poetry, I am doing poetry for my major work for Extension 2 English and I haven't gotten very far. This is a quick snippet of something I was inspired to write and it will probably fit close to the beginning of my story. It is set in Ancient Persia, so about 500 or so BC. :)

Her skin
The pure white
Like bolts of virginal cloth
The man tasted the air
With a hunger that only she could satisfy

Her wide eyes roamed his hard body
Her mother had told of these things
He would be satisfied
Then leave
Nothing to fear

He moved forward
Breathing became ragged
Jagged, rips of air flew to his lungs
Eyes filled with a fiery passion, lust
They pierced her, hurt her
Like needles through her white skin
But still she did not move

He touched her arm
She did not flinch
He caressed her face
She did not shy
He kissed her lips that drew forth discontentment

She began to form words
“No. I. This. Please.”

A forced injection
Plunged through the throat, devouring the words
Cut though like a slashed throat
And she fell silent
A slave to her master’s whim


I'd like level 3 though there is not much plot depth in this snippet. If you want to know more about the full plot just ask.

That's...dark...but good. Not that you want my opinion, but I could see that in my mind and I just felt terrible for the girl.

I do want your opinion! Everyone's opinion helps :) This is probably the darkest part of the entire plot, when she loses her virginal cloak, or whatever you want to call it. If you have ever read Angela Cater (I suggest you do, she is one of the most brilliant writers of the twentieth century) you'll see her style sort of reflected.

I'm just going to say right now I don't know that much about poetry so I'm just going to give this my best go :)

down.the.rabbit.hole wrote:

Her skin
The pure white
Like bolts of virginal cloth
The man tasted the air
With a hunger that only she could satisfy

The way I read this 'Her skin' really stands out because it's only two syllables and the rest of the stanza is more. If this was your intention, to make it stand out that is, I would put a period at the end of the first line just to give it more of a punch.
I would also put a period at the end of 'cloth'. It's kind of the end of a thought because you're going from him to her.
I liked that last line. Definitely sets kind of a creepy tone with the 'hunger'.

down.the.rabbit.hole wrote:

Her mother had told of these things

This doesn't make sense. You need a 'her' after 'told'

down.the.rabbit.hole wrote:

He would be satisfied
Then leave
Nothing to fear

I really liked the bluntness of this. Personally, I would put periods at the end of each of these lines to give them all more punch.

down.the.rabbit.hole wrote:

Breathing became ragged
Jagged, rips of air flew to his lungs

I don't really understand the 'jagged'. It rhymes with 'ragged' obviously which kind of bothered me because nothing else has rhymed so far. And the meanings are so similar, is it really necessary to have? If you really want to keep it, I don't understand why there is a comma afterwords because that sets it apart.
If all of that is just a poetry thing ignore me.

down.the.rabbit.hole wrote:

Eyes filled with a fiery passion, lust
They pierced her, hurt her
Like needles through her white skin
But still she did not move

I liked the description here and the feelings it evokes. She just seems so innocent.

down.the.rabbit.hole wrote:

He touched her arm
She did not flinch
He caressed her face
She did not shy
He kissed her lips that drew forth discontentment

I would add some punctuation here. Like a comma after 'arm' and a period after 'flinch' and then the same thing with 'face' and 'shy'. (I really liked those lines by the way).
The last line just seems too long. There haven't been any lines that have had this many syllables and it doesn't seem to fit in.

down.the.rabbit.hole wrote:

A forced injection
Plunged through the throat, devouring the words
Cut though like a slashed throat
And she fell silent
A slave to her master’s whim

Great imagery here.

I thought it was really good. There was great imagery and description.
The only thing I would do differently is add some more punctuation at the ends of the lines. I'm terrible at doing this myself when I write lyrics because I know what I'm thinking and I can hear it myself so well I sometimes forget that not everyone hears it exactly the way I do. Putting punctuation can help the reader read it the way you do.

Soooooo.. i can post here tooo right? lol. sorry no caffeine in my system and i'm falling asleep so imma gonna assume i can lol.

anyway. this is something that just popped into my brain and decided to write it down.

mybrain wrote:

Choices are made and children are lost
A single spike through the heart of a country
Options are taken and opinions are slain.
A barrage of bullets through the conscious society
Gods are created and free minds are enslaved
A shackle to the wrist and whip to the back
Plans are embedded and soldiers are shot
A vicious cycle in the chain of command
A heart is broken and a figure fades

Thanks for the awesome feedback. I'm not too good with punctuation so I usually just leave it out, but I'll think about what you said when I edit more :).

And 47, wow that is amazing, I really enjoy the repetition of the iamb and how it all flows together to one point. the only line that to me doesn't seem to fit without elaboration is

Quote :

A heart is broken and a figure fades

if you are referring to the individual more than once then great, but since the rest of the poem is more in a broad sense it just annoys me a bit. Anyway I love, love war poetry and this is, to use a cliché, short but very sweet.
-Alice-

how bout this

Quote :

The hearts are broken and the figure fades
Lost to memory of troubled days

Pattie, you rock socks.

I feel pathetic, surrounded by awesome writters.

missmack123 wrote:

Pattie, you rock socks.

I feel pathetic, surrounded by awesome writters.

i have to rock socks in writting. I'm retarded when it comes to everything else

Quote :

The hearts are broken and the figure fades
Lost to memory of troubled days

O.o I really like that :) it makes it so it's not just a random line at the end but ties it in well!. And I doubt you suck at everything else!

47 wrote:

Choices are made and children are lost
A single spike through the heart of a country
Options are taken and opinions are slain.
A barrage of bullets through the conscious society
Gods are created and free minds are enslaved
A shackle to the wrist and whip to the back
Plans are embedded and soldiers are shot
A vicious cycle in the chain of command
A heart is broken and a figure fades

Hey 47! You can totally post here, don't even worry about it!

I thought this was nice. Short, sweet, to the point. Part of me feels like it should rhyme but I also kind of like that it doesn't.
This is kind of a lame review. But I did like it.
As I said before. Poetry is not my forte. :)

missmack123 wrote:

Pattie, you rock socks.

I feel pathetic, surrounded by awesome writters.

Think about your favorite author. Do you think they started out writing amazing stories? Well unless they're some prodigal god, they probably didn't. Everyone has to start somewhere and that's what the whole point of this is. I hope everyone can get something out of it and improve something in some way.

Allyson Parks wrote:

47 wrote:

Choices are made and children are lost
A single spike through the heart of a country
Options are taken and opinions are slain.
A barrage of bullets through the conscious society
Gods are created and free minds are enslaved
A shackle to the wrist and whip to the back
Plans are embedded and soldiers are shot
A vicious cycle in the chain of command
A heart is broken and a figure fades

Hey 47! You can totally post here, don't even worry about it!

I thought this was nice. Short, sweet, to the point. Part of me feels like it should rhyme but I also kind of like that it doesn't.
This is kind of a lame review. But I did like it.
As I said before. Poetry is not my forte. :)

Poetry isn't mine either. i generally write long-short stories. lol