Rate The Joke

Okay i decided to start a rate the joke because they're awessome, you know the drill I write a joke, person below rates it and writes a new one and so on I'll begin:

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the guy. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Credit to ForeverLove on the Lex for this joke! And RockOn082 for the idea for the thread!

omg!
that was hilarious!
9.5-10 definatley!
i don't have a good joke.
so someone else can post one.

10+, definitely!!! Me and my brother cracked up so hard over that!!!

Ok, I've got one, not as good, but still funny.

There had been a lot of break-ins in the neighborhood, so Mrs Spindy and her next-door-neighbor were both in the market for a guard dog.

One morning Mrs Spindy looked in the For Sale section of the newspaper. There, as she had hoped, was an advertisement.
Guard dogs, litter of 5. One year old. $25 each. 47 washington Court. Ask for Paul.

So, Mrs Spindy went to the address and knocked on the door. She asked for Paul. The man who opened the door proclaimed himself to be Paul, and asked if she had seen the ad. She said yes, and that she would like to see the dogs.

Paul whistled for the dogs, and 5 chiuauas trotted out, looking hyper but alert. Mrs Spindy was not satisfied. "These aren't gaurd dogs, these are chiuauas!" she told him.

"Ah," said Paul,"But these chiuauas know karate!" Of course, Mrs Spindy was very sceptical. "I want proof before I buy these... things on just your word." said Mrs Spindy.

"All right", said Paul,"Dogs, karate box!"
The little dogs raaan over to a cardboard box on the front lawn and started to hitttt it with their little paws. Soon, the box lay in shreds.

Mrs Spindy was amazed, but not satisfied. "What is that, a soggy old box? We are talking about an intruder here! Can't they do anything more substantial?"

"Of course", said Paul, "Dogs, karate chair!" The little dogs raaaan over to a wooden rocking chair on the porch and started hitting at it with their tiny paws. Soon, the chair lay in splinters.

"Woow!"ecxclaimed Mrs Spindy,"I will take two, if that is alright."

"Well certainly", said Paul, "Here you go." The money was handed over and the dogs were on their way. Mrs Spindy got hers home and settled, then headed over to her neighbors house.

She knocked on the door, and her neighbor came out, looking disgruntled. Mrs Spindy said,"I have the gaurd dog you wanted, and-"

Her neighbor snapped,"That's not a guard dog, that is a chiuaua! Boy, they put one over on you!" Mrs Spindy set him straight. "This chiuaua knows karate!"she said.

Her neighbor wasn't believing her on bit. "KARATE MY FOOT!" :affraid:

OMC!!!! That last little icon was what my face lloked like! Haha, 10/10 Price-less!

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

By the way, no offense to blondes. I'm blonde, so no hard feelings!

9/10
Good, but it didn't make me laugh out loud. I got this one from my friend. When you read it, say it out loud. It's funnier when you say it out loud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two muffins sitting in an oven.

Muffin 1 goes "Holy sh!t, we're in an oven!"

Muffin two goes "Holy sh!t, a Talking Muffin!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know that made absolutly no sence, but I think it's funny.

*removed*

8/10. I have an ok one. 2, actually.

Mahatma ghandi walked a lot, so he had calloused feet. he fasted, so he was weak.he was called a mystic by some, and because of his diet he had bad breath. Therefore, he was a SuperCallousedFragileMysticPlaugedWithHalitosis.

A woman was speeding on the highway, so a blond cop pulls her over. The cop says "where's your license plate?" and the driver hands her a mirror. The cop says" Oh, well if I had known you were a cop I wouldnt've stopped you!"

10/10 for both, even though I've heard the blonde one before. Mine's kinda long.

Three girls are hiking up a mountain, a blonde, a brunet, and a red head. Suddenly a genie appeared and told them they each had one wish.
"I wish I was an eagle!" the Brunet turned into an eagle and flew up the mountain.
"I wish I was a hawk!" The red head turned into a hawk and flew up the mountain.
"I wish I was-crap! I forgot what I was going to say!" The blonde turned into crap and the genie kicked her off the mountain.

No offence to blondes! I am a blonde!

k, i have a blond joke

a blond walks into a shop and says to the clerk, "Can i have that Tv?"
The clerk says no and the the blond walks out of the shop
Every day for the next month the blond goes into the same shop with a different hair color and style, asking the same question, "Can i have that Tv?".
Every day the clerk says no.
On the first day of the next month the blond walks back into the shop with the same hair color and style as on the first day of the last month.
She goes up to the clerk and says, "I cam in here every day for the past month with a different hair color and style yet you wouldn't let me buy the Tv. Why not?"
and the clerk says, "Ma'am, that's a microwave."

8/10

Sorry it's another blonde joke.

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head standing in front of a fireing squad. When the guys aim their guns at the brunette she yells "Tornado!"

When they all turn to look she runs away.

Next they aim their guns at the red head. But before they shoot she screams "Tsunami!"

When they look she ran away.

Finally the point their guns at the blonde and she yells "Fire!"

They shoot.

7.6/10
I heard it, but not as a blond joke. It was a white-people joke.

Two guys walk into a bar. Ouch!

Or A Variation:

Two guys walk into a bar. the third one ducks.

HA! 9/10
That joke is a classic!!!!


I guess I better think of one now...

A duck walks into a hardware store. He looks at the man behind the counter and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
The man looks at him and says, "Of course not! This is a hardware store! Get out of here!"
The duck leaves.

The next day, the same duck walks into the same hardware store. He, again, looks at the man behind the counter. "Do you have any grapes?," he says.
The man looks at him and says, "I told you yesterday, this is a hardware store! We don't have any grapes! If I catch you in here again I'll nail your beak to the floor. Now get out!"
The duck leaves.

The next day, the same duck walks into the same hardware store again.
The duck looks at the man behind the counter and says, "Do you have any nails?"
The man, stunned, says, "No."
"Good," the duck says, "Then do you have any grapes?"

8/10

5 Chinese men immigrated to America. One gets employed in an art gallery. When asked who crated a piece of art, he is told to say" I did it! I did it!"

The next man is employed at a cutlery factory. He learns to say " Forks, and knives, forks and knives"

The 3rd man works in a bank. He learns to say "Money! Money!"

The next man works in a candy store. He is told to say "goody goody gumdrops! Goody goody gumdrops!"

the 5th man works at an electric appliance store. He says "plug it in, plug it in."



The 5 men are walkning down the street. Suddenly, a man on a bike flips over and dies! A police man comes around, and asks who did this. The first Chinese man says:" I did it! I did it!" The police man asks how he did it. The 2nd man says " Forks, and knives, forks and knives" The police man says,Why did you do it?" and the 3rd man says" Money! Money!" The police man says " I'm taking you to jail!" So the 4th man says: "goody goody gumdrops! Goody goody gumdrops!" The police man gets flustered, so he says: That's it! your going to the electric chair!! the 5th man says "plug it in, plug it in."

Hah!! I lvoe it when I was little me and my friends would tell those jokes but iinstead of imagrints we would use aliense!! Awessoem joke 10/10 for bringing back greta memories!

Ok here's one:
Ok well this kid named Alec was staying at his uncle carlisle's house for the wekend because his parents went away on a second honeymoon. This is Alec's first time at Carlisle's house so he doesn't know where anything is. One ngith he wakes up in the DEAD OF NIGHT and walks to the washroom. When he opens the door he sees this HUGE light but it doesn't matter Alec does what any 10 year old boy would do during the DEAD OF NIGHT in the WASHROOM
The next morning Alec runs down the stairs and yells "Uncle Carlisle, Uncle Carlisle!! Last night when i opend the door to the washroom I saw this HUGE light, I did my stuff and went back to bed but you should ahve SEEN this light it was YOUNORMIS!
... :affraid: Alec!!! Don't tell me you peed in the refrigerater AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

hehe!! 9/10 for that one and all of them!! they're great!!

k. soooo... here's um.. ANOTHER blonde joke. but im ALOUD to say it cuz im BLONDE!!! infact im over 128% blonde!! yay! anyways, here it is...


k. so there is a brunette, a red head, and a blond construction worker. (they are building and working at the top of an apartment complex, way up high) so they've been working for awhile and they stop to eat lunch. the brunette opens hers and looks in it, then says, "if i get one more bologna sandwich, im going to jump off this building!" the red head opens hers, looks in, then says, "if i get one more cheese sandwich, im going to jump off this building!" the blond opens hers, looks in, and says, "if i get one more turkey sandwich, im going to jump off this building!"
so, the next day they come to work, and then later on, sit down to eat lunch. the brunette opens hers, looks in and sees she has a bologna sandwich, so she jumps off the building. the red head opens hers, looks in and sees she has a cheese sandwich, so she jumps off the building. the blond opens hers, looks in and sees she has a turkey sandwich, so she jumps off the building.


a few weeks later at the funeral, the three kids mothers are talking. the brunette's mother says, "if only i knew she didnt want another bologna sandwich, i wouldnt have made it..." the red head's mother says, "if only i knew she didnt want another cheese sandwich, i wouldnt have made it..." then the blond's mother says, "i didnt even know she likes turkey... she makes her own lunches!"

_____________________________________________________________________

ok.done. sry it was sooo very long!!

9/10 That's probably the only Blond Joke I haven't heard.

Edward, Emmett, and James (Grrr...) had been best friends their whole life. So, when they died in a car accident, it made sense that they stood together at the gates of heaven.

"Now, I don't know what they've told you down there, but the rules have changed. Everyone gets into heaven, and everything is fine as long as you don't step on a duck."

Now the three friends were happy with this proposition, and thought it too good to be true. Until, that is, St. Peter opened the gates and revealed a beautiful place, with every inch of ground covered by ducks.

Right away Emmett stepped on a duck. ( )
A huge gladiator-esque guard came and handcuffed him to this horribly ugly, and extremely loud, an all-around unpleasant woman.

"You must stay together for all eternity. This is what happens when you step on a duck." he explains, and locks them in a cell.

The remaining friends mourn the loss, and Emmett House grieved. (Sorry; had to throw that in there...)
All was well for a few months, but then Edward stepped on a duck. (NOOO! :affraid: )
The same behemoth guard came, and handcuffed Our Edward to an equally unattractive woman.

"This is what happens when you step on a duck..."

James was all alone now, wandering heaven by himself. (Poor James... yeah, right...)
He didn't step on a duck.

Andre the Giant Guard came, this time with a beautiful girl in tow.

"What did I do to deserve this?" James wondered aloud as the Big Guy locked them together.

"I don't know about you," The beautiful woman said, "But I stepped on a duck..."

10/10 I've heard that one before but it still gets me laughign every time!!

Ok well here's my FAVORITE:

A little boy and his mother are in a taxi cab driving down the street when the little boy says "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing out there in the rain?" He points to different prostitutes waitign for their tricks to coem outside. "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to coem outside and go home so thta can make them dinner," the mother replies not wnating ehr 5 year old son knowing hwta a prostituts was.
The cab driver turns around in his seat and says, "listen kid, those are whores. They're waiting outside for men to come out so that they can have sex with them for money." the mother gaspes and wants to smack the vile cab driver when the little boy asks "Mommy what happends to all their babies?" They mother replies, "They becoem cab drivers"

Ooooh thats better than a slap! 9.6666/10

Peter has a sheepdog. The sheepdog's name is Roof. One day Peter and Roof were out taking a walk, when suddenly a rabbit comes up to them. Peter trips over the rabbit and knocks himself out cold. Roof asks the rabbit "What was that for?" the rabbit looks up solemly and says "the end is coming."

Of course Roof thinks little of the crazy rabbit, and Peter soon revives. But the next day, they are once again accosted by wildlife.

When Peter was walking Roof in the woods, a grizzly bear came up to them. Of course Peter fainted. Roof asked the bear, "why'd you hafta scare hid so bad?" The bear told him, "You must know this; the end is coming." Peter soon woke up, and Roof was a bit wierded, but not obsessing over the crazy animals. But that was not the end.

about a week later Peter and Roof were taking a walk, when WOOMP! Peter was hit by a car. He was out cold, but the momentum carried Roof over the edge of a manhole. His leash was trapped under Peter.

He fell for a long time before the leash snapped him back. "Oh my gosh," said Roof, "The end WAS coming. It was just the end of the leash."

The next car that came was a cop car. The officer helped Peter up, and broke the news. "um, hey buddy? when you were out of it, your dog reached the end of his leash. Im afraid he's not coming back."

*SNIFF. SOB* That was a sadddd joke!!! *runs and grabs little puppy and holds him tightly, undoing his leash and throwing it into the trash...*

...well... ill give it a *whimper* 9... ONLY cuz it was good... *starts balling out in tears...* ok ill gove u a 9.89999999/10. ...FINE ILL GIVE U A FRICKIN 10! There ya happy!!!!

(i have no jokes... i am filled with sadness... please go ahead and wirte ur own...)

Here's one...

Pete and Repete were going swimming. Pete fell in the lake. Who was left?

Some one else says: Repete.

Pete and Repete were going swimming. Pete fell in the lake. Who was left?

Some one else says: Repete.

Pete and Repete were going swimming. Pete fell in the lake. Who was left?

Some one else says: Repete.

This keeps going until the other person catches on.

8.5/10

MY mom used to tell that one over and over when I was little.


um.... joke joke joke..... ok....

Little Jackie brings back a school paper for his mom to sign. He got an F. He had written on the paper:
"Some kids find a treasure and fight about it, then they give it away."

The teacher had written:
"Jackie calls this complete, when the assingnment was for a short story. Please explain to him the importance of effort, and sent this back signed."

When his mom asked him why he had turned in such a thing, little Jackie told her, "That was as short as I could make it!"

7/10... but that could be because it's 2:36AM... so I had a hard time understanding first read over haha...

Ok...so... jokeness


I have few so.... I'll hit below the belt first... blonde jokes.

Oh how the blondes always wind up in situations that are terrible improbable... so here it goes...

There is a rope stretched out over a ravine and there are 20 blondes and 1 brunette.... now as fate would have it, this rope can only hold 20 people, meaning someone must let go.

All the blondes bicker and argue, deciding why they should be the one to live instead of plummet into the ravine below, and they bickering and prattle drives the brunette insane until she exclaims..."Enough, I'll sacrifice myself!" and with that she lets go of the rope and plummets to what would more likely be her death.

Moved by this show of sacrifice... the blondes decide to give her a round of applause...

*chuckles*